Does anyone believe those surveys about how much sex married couples are having? And who decided quantity is what matters most?

Guys blab about sex so they don't have to really talk about it. Among my cronies, the unmarrieds carry on about how much they get, while the long-marrieds drop barbs about how much they don't get.

I keep quiet during these discussions. I don't have the guts to ask if what either group is saying is actually true. And I don't want them asking me any questions in return. Why? Because I'm a really bad liar. So I would have to admit to them the scandal of my sex life.

Apparently my wife, Diane, and I are not keeping up with the national average. According to studies, the average couple in their 40s has sex 69 times a year. The average couple in their 30s supposedly does it 86 times a year, and in their frisky 20s, 112 times a year. I have not exactly been keeping written records on my bedroom activities but I'm pretty sure that if I did, it would prove that we have not been hitting our sexual quota.

It's not that I really believe these sexual statistics. I'd bet that almost everyone in the real married world is below that average. To make the quota of 69 you would have to exceed once a week at home and all the bonus romancing you can do on vacation. (Why is it that sex is so great in hotel beds?) While I'm sure that the researchers who collected this data were very committed, I think these stats have been padded by a small band of swingers who volunteer for all these surveys (as well as the over¬clicked delusionaries who don't realize the difference between computer sex and actual human contact.

Also, people lie, especially about sex.

The Reality

So I will tell you the truth. I'm surprised to be 47 years old, sleeping in the same bed every night with a great-looking woman, and not keeping it up with the Joneses.

I'm surprised because I know the slippage in quantity is not in any way related to quality. I was lucky enough to find, smart enough to marry, and loving enough to keep my one true heart. And after nearly two decades our physical relationship remains remarkably intense. We retain the enthusiasm of honeymooners but have found the proficiency and familiarity that comes only with practice, practice, practice. (It takes guys a while to figure out what everything is.) I know researchers believe that sexual frequency can decline because of easy accessibility (no thrill of the chase) and predictability. My response to this "habituation" theory is the same one I give my 13-year-old niece when she periodically e-mails me to tell me how bored she is: If you're bored, it's because you're boring. The key to unpredictable sex is surprising yourself first, and then your partner. (An absurdly simple example: I recently discovered that Diane has feet and that those feet have, well, certain sensitivities.)

I also can't blame the downturn on children because, as my mother subtly reminds me almost daily, we don't have any. Most couples correlate a slowdown in their sex lives with the onset of parenthood. I assume they look at a couple like us and guess that if they were similarly child-free, they would be having tantric sex dangling from contraptions attached to the ceiling on a daily, or at least weekly, basis. But I can tell you: Kids are getting a bad rap here. Feel free to implicate the youngsters in anything else that bothers you about your life, your marriage, or the future of civilization. But study after study shows that the biology of aging is the major reason marital relations go from daily to weekly to monthly to, for some, semiannually. It's that damn biological clock again. Whenever you think you've turned off the alarm, you realize you've only hit the snooze button.

I suspect we've only scratched the surface on studying the biology of aging and sexuality. And the number of times couples have sex with each other is not the only issue. What if the frequency of sex together goes down, but the frequency of self-satisfaction stays the same, or increases? Until more researchers study these issues -- and chart total orgasmic activity -- I don't see how we can really know what sexual frequency is average in a marriage at different ages. It would also be interesting to see more research on whether solo sex hurts or helps your relationship with your spouse. I suppose it could lead to more sex together. Or it could actually inhibit sexual coupling and lead to a separation between pure sexual release and being connected to your partner. That's the last thing that men need, since we're born way too good at the release part but have a steep learning curve on the connecting part.

Sex isn't the only form of physical closeness, of course, it's just the most intense and gratifying. Making each other laugh uproariously can create an afterglow that is nearly postcoital. So can random acts of affection: A friend recently told me how touched she is by the way I sometimes come up to Diane from out of nowhere and kiss her. And I have been known to give non-foreplay back rubs. There are a lot of different ways to be close (and, from what I recall from previous relationships, a lot of ways to have sex without being very close at all).

Make no mistake, I would like to have sex more often. Diane would, too. And it's a myth that frequency only slides downward. In fact, it fluctuates like the Dow, and this year's sexual earnings have been higher than last year's. But we try to recognize and embrace both the rallies and the dips.

I do wonder if we're supposed to be doing anything else about the frequency slowdown -- especially since from what I read, the major drop-off is still to come, in our 60s and 70s. I can imagine that a lot of couples just blame each other -- or don't talk about it at all, which is the highest form of blaming each other. (I'm especially suspicious of the couples who say they don't have sex anymore and, far worse, that they don't even care.) I think that openly discussing why you don't have sex can be as intimate as actually having sex. Sharing responsibility, or even guilt, over missed opportunities is an underappreciated part of the marital balancing act. And for all my guy friends who think this is about their wives not "putting out," I'll tell you the truth (so Diane doesn't have to): Sometimes I don't put out. There have been times when Diane took the initiative -- which is what all men claim we want our wives to do -- and I was either thrown off by not being in control or just too damn mesmerized by some dumb TV show to realize that I was being seduced. Ultimately, I'm gratified that we've been able to maintain a no-fault approach to such mixed messages, and to the entire issue of how often we do it. In fact, I think one of the sexiest aspects of our marriage is the closeness that comes when we exchange a glance that says it has been too long since we've had sex. When one of us whispers "I miss you" even though we're sitting right next to each other in a crowded room, we know exactly what to do about it.